Rating: C+
Dir: Chester Fox, Alex Stevens
Star: George Spencer, John Moser, Sandra Peabody, Brother Theodore
a.k.a. Massage Parlor Hookers
After the first scene, this was on the fast track to one of the worst movies ever. A shortsighted client goes to a massage joint, faffs about for a bit while public domain classical music plays – specifically, The Nutcracker Suite. He then decides he has made a bad decision and leaves. He was not the only one thinking along those lines, for it’s spectacularly static and uninteresting. However, over the course of the 75 minutes which followed, I came to… Well, “like” is a bit strong. Let’s just say, appreciate this a good deal more. Initially, it was as a time-capsule of seventies New York, for there is a lot, and I mean a lot of wandering about.
This is mostly by a pair of homicide detectives, Rizotti (Spender) and his junior partner, O’Mara (Moser). They are trying to find the perpetrator of a string of murders, in which massage girls are being brutally slain. O’Mara ends up hooking up with Gwen (Peabody), the roommate of one of the victims. I’d say this was a bit inappropriate for an investigating officer, but hey – it was the seventies. There is, as noted, a great deal of filler here, though some of it is, at least, of historical interest. There’s a lot of footage of the pool at a swingers’ club, of little relevance. Except it does lead to O’Mara chasing a suspect, clad only in the world’s most well-attached towel. I can’t even go from the shower to the bedroom without mine falling off.
As things proceed, the film does at least have a couple of interesting ideas, though it never comes close to doing anything with them. For instance, Rizzotti’s wife sees him becoming obsessed by the killings and asks, “What about all the good people? The church people, when they get mugged and robbed?” It’s an interesting and valid question, but his response is, “Drop it Emily, will ya? I don’t wanna talk about it.” Right at the end, Rizzotti finally works out the murderer is a religious nut-job, whose acts are inspired by the seven deadly sins. But it’s not exactly Se7en, shall we say, the crimes hardly reflecting any Biblical elements. Another good idea, wasted.
There’s a car chase which seems inspired by The French Connection, and copious footage of Times Square and its surroundings (top), including a marquee advertising Prime Cut. The performances between the filler aren’t bad. Of particular note is alternative comedian Theodore, playing an astrologer who goes on a remarkable rant, ending in, “It is my sincere wish that immediately after my death, my head be severed from my body and that it be replaced by a bouquet of broccoli, to better comfort the worms.” There’s also George Dzundza as “Mr. Creepy”: almost two decades later, he’d play the partner of Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct. All told: not a good movie, by any means. Yet it was more entertaining than I expected from that opening.