Rating: D+
Dir: Beau Yotty.
Star: Beau Yotty, Lindsay Beach, Katrina F Kelly, Jim Perry.
I had actually been looking forward to the latest film from local outfit Lone Gunslinger Pictures, since I read the synopsis: “An aggressive rattlesnake sets its sights on an Arizona RV Park.” Regular readers will know of my fondness for reptilian attack films, and the Arizona angle doesn’t need to be detailed. Though people from elsewhere seem disappointed when I tell them that, after 25 years living in the state, I have yet to encounter so much as a live rattle, never mind the snake to which it is traditionally attached. Then again, “hiking” for me falls closer to “cruel and unusual punishment” than a voluntary pastime. Snakes are less common in my regular, sofa- and mall-heavy habitats.
Unfortunately – though not unexpectedly – the results are more than a bit crap. I’m not certain, but I do not believe there were any moments in the film which had an actor and a rattlesnake in the same shot. The “attacks” (quotes used advisedly) typically followed the same pattern: human looks concerned, insert shot of snake doing what it does, reaction shot of human falling back, pretending to have been bitten. Would it have killed the production to invest in a couple of rubber rattlers, and have the cast thrash around a bit, holding the props to the affected body part? Even if not plausible, it would have added some extra energy to the production, and that is something it sorely needs.
The snake in question escapes from a research facility run by a Dr. Cross, who apparently needs super-poisonous snakes to make super-strong antivenin. Let’s just say, he should have spent more time on the safety protocols in his laboratory (top), and less on talking to himself [a common aspect here: nobody seems to have an internal monologue]. He becomes victim #1, and the enhanced reptile heads for the nearby RV park, where the residents, led by Brett (Yotty) and Taylor (Beach) are hanging out. We first meet the former drinking raw eggs in the local diner. It is apparently the world’s crappiest, because its kitchen inventory consists of the three eggs Brett consumes, and absolutely no coffee. Though given the near-total lack of customers, it probably doesn’t matter.
The only point at which anything approaching a significant narrative appears is when they bring in the local exterminator, Nate (Perry), who may be the only character in the movie with character. Sure, “abrasive asshole” is a choice; I’ll take it over the blandly uninteresting nature of everybody else, and the snake shows more personality than most of the humans. At points this borders on a slasher parody, e.g. the shower stalking scene, except that would require more self-awareness than has hitherto been present in Lone Gunslinger Productions. In the end, the villain proves underwhelmingly easy to dispatch. A couple of whacks from the edge of a shovel prove sufficient to terminate what might be the most exciting thing to have happened in an Arizona RV park this millennium. It’s definitely not this movie.