Kiss of the Vampire (2009)

Rating: D+

Dir: Joe Tornatore
Star: Daniel Goddard, Katherine Hawkes, Eric Etebari, Martin Kove
a.k.a. Immortally Yours

Not to be confused, either with the 60’s Hammer film or the Nic Cage movie, both with the same name, this film is most guilty of simply trying to cram too much in. There are a whole bunch of storylines, apparently operating on the principle, “Don’t like this one? Well, there’ll be another plot along in a moment.” Vampires vs. vampire-hunter. Vampires vs. cops. Reluctant vampire, yearning for mortality. Rebellion in the vampire ranks. Oh, and did I mention the Illuminati? Or that they are seeking to hijack immortality for themselves?

If the film had stuck with one or, at most, a couple of these, it’d have helped. The “reluctant vampire” angle actually works nicely, with a decent performance from Goddard as the head of the clan, tired of traipsing round the world, who wants to settle down, see the sun rise and raise rug-rats. However, you never get more than about three minutes on any thread, before the movie must rush off, to keep another ball in the air. The results are clunky and disjointed, when not incoherent. There is a backdrop of familiar B-movie faces, including Gary Daniels, Matthias Hues, Costas Mandylor and Phil Fondacaro, while Etebari was a regular on TNT’s late, lamented Witchblade.

Regrettably, their presence and skills are all but wasted here, except for a brief sequence of Daniels doing martial-arts – and this just looks silly coming from a member of a vampire clan who roar like lions, for some reason never explained. The effects are equally poor, and the finest entertainment to be had was probably from the cops, who never seemed to grasp the concept of ‘sealing off an area’. I note, on the IMDB, all six people who reviewed this kindly, have never covered any other films. Can we say, “plants”? About the nicest thing I can say for the film is: it’s not Twilight. Thank heavens for small mercies.