Rating: D-
Dir: Jan de Bont.
Star: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison.
If you have ever wondered why there’s not been a Speed 3, well, this film explains it. For, as disaster films go, this film is a disaster.
As stiff and uninventive as old cardboard with lifeless performances to match, even the wasted talent of Willem Dafoe can seemingly find nothing to work with, but nonetheless he does his best. I just hope that UB40 got what they wanted from the film (as well as a nice working vacation). The characters are as thin as what passes for the plot and equally trope, including the spunky cute deaf girl, to the extent that Sandra Bullock’s listless “..pfffft…” really sums up the whole disjointed adventure nicely.
The story, such as it is, is lazy, clumsy and disjointed and if it was aiming for C- movie quality, well, it missed by a fair margin. In summary: a disgruntled ex-employee decides to stage a jewellery heist, using an out of control ship as cover. Which seems silly given that he has every access code required to simply stroll into the vault at night and shovel the blinky bangles wholesale down the front of his trousers with no-one being any the wiser…. “…pfffft…” \o/
It’s one of those films that makes no sense. A bit like the (magnificent) Lord of the Rings. For, if The Grumpy Greyman can summon eagles to transport Peter Spliffer from Mount Doom, then why not simply transport him there with his golden ring to start with!? C’mon!!! And you wonder why my career as a screen writer never took off!! I coulda been a contender I tells ya!! Anyway. Back to S2.
Dreadful. Contrived. Clueless. Oh dear! Crap cinematography, with many scenes being cluttered and/or confusing. Actually it’s dreadful! D- at best, even after a bottle of decent white – a Sav Blanc from Oyster Bay (New Zealand) if you’re wondering. I’m also quite partial to a Yellow Tail Chardonnay (Australia), as it’s less sweet than some Chardonnays can be, and I’m thinking here particularly of the 19 Crimes Chardonnay, which whilst easy drinking is just waaay too sweet for me. To be honest I think that I should have chosen a Cave de Turckheim Gewurztraminer (from the Alsace region of France), that has a ginger spice and rose petal complexity, perfect for oriental or spicy food. It would have worked well, accompanying a chicken thigh bake/casserole that I make. Use plenty of garlic, slithers of spicy Chorizo, a table-spoon each of red and white wine vinegars and the same of water, Dijon mustard and a drizzle of maple syrup over the thighs, then pop it in the oven for 40 minutes or so at 180c (350f), turning the joints twice. Really it’s very nice (and easy to make) and leaves you with plenty of good chicken stock for re-purposing later.
Erm – I can hear Jim tutting – so, back to the film (again). Well, at least it doesn’t insult our intelligence by pretending that it’s a clever film. It oddly feels rushed, in that it didn’t seem to flow coherently – for me at least, but then I had pretty much tuned out by the half-way ‘low tide’ mark.
Overall. Dreadful. Avoid. Watch cardboard instead.
D- (and only ‘coz I’m in a good mood!)