Rating: D-
Dir: Jeannot Szwarc
Star: Roy Scheider, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton, Joseph Mascolo
This review is entirely Jim’s fault. It was on the TV and, but for the recent spate of shark-infested reviews, I wouldn’t have bothered watching it. However, I thought to myself ‘What would Jim do?’ and ‘How bad can it be?’ And so, here we are with a film of a certain age and derivative ‘origin’.
It’s nicely, brightly shot. Homely. Seaside-idyllic. A travelogue. Simple, clean, overflowing with a bounty of lovely clean firm lithe young bodies playing in the sun and sea. Lots and lots of lovely firm young flesh, so ripe and delicio… erm… sorry… where was I… …nom-nom nom-nom…
And much like any Final Destination film, it’s time to play ‘spot the victim’ whilst also indulging in a side-order of ‘who dies first’. Sadly the first death sets the tone in that it’s super-stupid. Welcome to Amity. It’s a horror-ville, albeit one imbued with zero tension or excitement.
“I’ll be careful…” …nom-nom nom-nom nom-nom… …/\…
Roy Scheider is very tanned and chiselled, and decent at doing what the material demanded of him, which was basically to turn up in his ‘Police-Chief Brody’ costume.
“I have had some experience with sharks…” …nom-nom nom-nom… …/\…
It’s an odd mix of a film. “Amity, come for summer and you’ll never leave.” It’s also flat, pedestrian, 2D, cliched and more than a bit silly. Perfunctory. Moronic. Boring.
…and it’s boat-mageddon because we saw a fish and lost our collective minds…
…and… yup… whodafunkit… it’s a …/\…
…one that just ate a helicopter… …nom-nom nom-nom… …/\…
SCREAM!!!!!!! and, in lieu of anything much else, SCREAM!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!!! Still no real story? Still puerile and pointless? Okay… back we go… SCREEEAM!!!!!!!
Oh dear god it’s dreadful… scream-me-a-cliche.
Hang on a mo! I’ve just had a thought. Perhaps if dear Mr Shark would kindly eat the ones that won’t stop shouting and screaming, then we could call it quits and be on our way? Yeah??
Look, it’s awful. I would excuse the film by saying that it hasn’t aged well, but, well, it’s just that I think that it was always awful.
As a side-note, I’ve scuba-dived and swum with with plenty of sharks and they seemed much like cats. Inquisitive and quite flighty and not at all bitey… …nom-nom nom-nom nom-nom… …/\… …now, where did I put my prosthetic legs…