Ice Queen (2005)

Rating: D

Dir: Neil Kinsella
Star: Harmon Walsh, Noelle Reno, Ami Veevers-Chorlton, Jennifer Hill

Typical. You wait ages for a film about people trapped in a ski-resort, and then two turn up at once. Okay, “wait” might be a stretch, but you could double-bill Avalanche with this, which takes the idea, removes any 3-D characters, and adds a re-animated Pleistocene cavewoman (Veevers-Chorlton) – though I was unaware they had hair dye in the Stone Age – who freezes her victims to death. It takes quite some time to get to this point, however, diverting via a love triangle, a large action sequence involving a helicopter and a convoy (I suspect this comes from another movie), and a wet T-shirt contest – which might just be the most horrific thing the film has to offer. Put it this way, co-star Hill’s breasts could easily have been the inspiration for a certain 1982 Dead Kennedys’ LP…

This is one of those films where you can predict the survival of characters with about 90% accuracy [we guessed wrong on the heroine’s uncle], and almost without exception, the ideas in the film live on shaky ground. Everyone – literally, everyone – gets buried in the same place, regardless of whether they were inside, outside, or flying the plane that caused the avalanche. When a ski-lodge is completely entombed in snow, electricity still somehow works. And cellphones too; though calling 911 naturally takes a back burner to, oh, splitting into small groups for convenient monster attack purposes. I could go on – and on. The idiocy is only slightly numbed by cute model work, and unlike the last Edgewood production, Arachnia, there is precious little wit, charm or invention to redeem matters here.