Rating: D
Dir: Robbie Moffat
Star: Marnie Baxter, Rachel Rath, Andreas Beltzer, Paul Cassidy
Enough time had passed since the pain which was Moffat’s Axe Raiders – a historical epic which was certainly not epic, and questionably historical – that I felt able to dip my toe into his filmography again. This is slightly earlier, and less entertaining, despite (or because of?) being considerably less ambitious. It is, at least nominally, a horror film, in which a group of Highland hikers are stalked by a cannibalistic psycho. Although despite the title, there is only one bicycle in the film, and it’s of no real relevance. Nor does anybody get to make the eagerly anticipated “psychopath on a cycle-path” joke. So, really: what’s the point, beyond showcasing some lovely Scottish scenery.
Moffat simply has no awareness of how to do horror. Alfred Hitchcock’s famous explanation to Francois Truffaut, about the difference between surprise and suspense is applicable here, a hundred percent. In the first hour, there’s precisely one (1) moment of surprise, which comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere too, so has exactly no impact on the audience. The rest of the time, you’re hanging out with college students Isla (Baxter), Pearl (Rath) and their pals as they walk the West Highland Way. On one level, this is fine. They seem perfectly nice people, with whom I’d be happy to hang out. Particularly Pearl, who is the kind of alcoholic slut I was never fortunate enough to encounter during my time at university. But that doesn’t make them good characters for a movie.
The setting certainly has its potential, in the same way rural Texas has for chainsaw massacres. If you want to see it used properly though, you will have to look elsewhere. Might I recommend Mercy Falls, Dark Highlands, or When Darkness Falls, all of which are located in the Scottish highlands to considerably better effect. Here, for the first hour, the script seems more concerned with Pearl’s substance abuse, or the general relationship issues within the group. Any suspense over the “who” is extinguished thirty minutes in, with the first murder – though the poster clearly doesn’t give a damn about spoilering that aspect anyway. You’ll still have to wait a further half-hour before anything approaching suspense shows up, Isla gradually suspecting something is not right with one of the party.
It’s all blandly uninteresting from a cinematic perspective, and rather than a horror movie, works considerably better as a promotional tool for the Scottish Tourist Board. Well, if you bypass the whole “mad cannibal eating peoples’ brains” angle, admittedly. I was at least expecting a Sawney Bean reference given the gastronomical tendencies of the bad guy here. Hey, the legend was good enough to be an inspiration for The Hills Have Eyes. I guess the resources here barely stretch to one (1) cannibal and some strawberry jam. A clan of them would be too much to expect. Some credit is due for an ending which is darker than expected. Pity this bleakness was absent everywhere else.