Rating: D+
Dir: Franklin Guerrero Jr.
Star: Matt Carmody, Neil Kubath, Natasha Charles Parker, Erik Fones
I wouldn’t have chosen to watch this, but it somehow ended up in my unwatched pile of physical DVDs. I think it may have been part of a White Elephant gift exchange at a previous Christmas? Not sure. However, I needed to clear some space for an incoming delivery of discounted Blu-Rays, that I actually want to possess, e.g. Hobo With a Shotgun and Europa Report. Making matters “worse”, this was the R-rated version of the film – whoever was White Elephanting clearly did not realize my opinions on such topics. But I use quotes, because this running 133 seconds shorter, is 133 seconds better for me. I just have to live without seeing “the testicle bursts open bloodily.”
This feels as if it might have come out about fifteen years earlier in a number of ways, and still might not have been any better if it had. We are in straightforward “rural nightmare” territory, with brothers Pete (Carmody) and Bryan (Kubath) on a camping trip with idiot friends Zack and Rachel. They are soon encountering graduates of Redneck Acting 1.0.1, in particular the Carver family. Gee, who came up with that name? The group agree to clear out a shed for bar owner Billy Hall Carver, and find a selection of 8mm snuff films (top), made by his big brother, Bobby (Fones). They think these are just a shitty horror movie – but, surprise! They’re actually in a shitty horror movie! How meta.
I trust you will not be surprised to learn that they, and tag-along camping buddy Gina (Parker), are now slated to star in the next 20th Century Carver production. Does take a while to get there. Boy, does it take a while. After the prologue, there’s precious little action to speak off, outside the screening of the snuff movie, for about an hour. Things do kick off somewhat, with… Well, the R-rated cut mostly hints at the resulting unpleasantness, which the unrated version seems more enthusiastic about. Would the latter deserve a higher rating? Maybe thirty years ago, I could bring myself to be swayed by such things. Now, they could line up a row of testicles to the wall, smash them with bricks, and I’d be unmoved.
Matters are not helped by another flashback element: crappy audio, with some scenes where the background sounds of birds tweeting are more clearly audible than the lines spoken by the characters on-screen. The final thirty minutes achieve a certain degree of energy for anyone in the audience still conscious. Otherwise, you will be left wondering who was capable of writing lines like, “We don’t get many outsiders round these parts these days,” with a straight face, and opening proceedings with the claim this is “Based on actual events.” On the plus side, I think I’ll be regifting this DVD as part of the next White Elephant, so I’m pleased that’s all sorted out. Family members: you have been warned.