Rating: D-
Dir: Ryan Kruger
Star: Sean Cameron Michael, Donna Cormack-Thomson, Joe Vaz, Warrick Grier
With the looming arrival of the much-delayed (initially deemed unreleasable) remake of The Toxic Avenger, I figured I should check out this remake of another eighties schlock classic. Although, had I known in advance it was by the director of Fried Barry, I would likely have given it a wide berth. On the other hand, this confirms my decision to avoid Barry is entirely correct. If I see a bigger mess this year, I’ll be surprised. Was the original movie utterly terrible? It has been a while. Maybe it has aged badly? More likely, this simply fails to capture any of its charm. Compare this to something like the not dissimilar Hobo With a Shotgun. The difference is palpable.
It relocates things from grimy New York to South Africa, and applies a screeching veneer of social criticism, with all the subtlety of a party rally. Mayor Mostert (Grier) decides to wipe out the homeless population by dosing them, by drone, with a chemical compound distilled out of the “Viper” liquor responsible for the original meltdown. Attempting to stop him are a motley crew of said habitation challenged residents, led by chief vagrant Ronald (Michael), and Alex (Cormack-Thomson), the woman he rescues from another gang. There’s a slew of other characters, none of whom are as amusing as the film thinks. Worst would be the blue puppet, voiced by Kruger, who is the “imaginary friend” of one bum. Irredeemably unfunny.
It may seem churlish to complain about things like plot and characterization in a remake of the archetypal “melt movie.” The effects of the Mayor’s compound are certainly vividly depicted, in a slew of neon-coloured fluids, whose volume is only exceeded by their medical implausibility. However, once you have watched the first victim dissolve, a test subject who discovers too late what he signed up for, you’ve seen all the tricks the film has in its locker. There’s no sense of escalation, and you will quickly go numb to the (laudably practical, I will say) effects. While the original wallowed in its titular promise, throwing rape and a severed penis into the mix, this has very little genuinely offensive to offer, and is all the less memorable for it.
At times, the dialogue felt like it was cobbled together based off Reddit threads (Pinocchio is about child sex trafficking?), other social media, and hacking jokes off third-rate alternative comedians. “If two vegans get into an argument, is it considered beef?” is an actual line. It’s not the worst film I’ll see this year. Hell, it may not be the worst I’ve seen this week. But it is a contender. As a supposed “real movie”, with no small amount of resources, from a known director, and remaking a cult classic, expectations are higher. Instead, this is terrible. I’m now filled with trepidation as to whether the Toxic Avenger remake will go down the same, smug and insufferable path.