Rating: F
Dir: Gerry Tesch
Star: Michael Rodriguez, Gloria Tesch, Gustavo Perez, Bob Glazier
Oh, boy: where to start? Probably with some background, for the story behind this is considerably better than the film’s. It began in 2008, with a novel, Maradonia and the Seven Bridges, written by teenager Gloria Tesch and self-published by her father, Gerry. Their promotional technique involved things like spamming the likes of Yahoo! Answers (as I said: 2008) with her dubious claim to be the world’s youngest published author, as well as fake TV shows praising Gloria to the skies. The book was generally regarded as terrible, but the Teschs did not take online criticism well. Grandiose plans for a Maradonia theme park never amounted to anything, and though further volumes in the saga were released, all indications are, they did not become the best-seller the Teschs claimed.
For the full sordid saga, I recommend Sailor Sloth’s video, which covers the whole thing, including Gloria’s subsequent career as a rapper, her father’s background and the family’s fondness for declaring bankruptcy. But here, all we care about is the movie based on the book, and starring Gloria, naturally. [Given the novel appears to be a Mary Sue self-insert, this actually makes perfect sense] The production of this took several years, going through a number of directors and other staff, many of whom bailed on the project due to differences which, shall we say, were less creative than financial. It never received any kind of official release. However, a copy made for the 2015 American Film Market escaped online, and can be found in the Internet Archive, for example. For those with less time to spare, the nine-minute (!) trailer is a good option.
I, however, went for the full experience. Though, to be honest, it proved too much to stomach in one sitting. You can only tolerate so much pure, unadulterated incompetence. It begins with what seems to be some kind of sizzle reel, though if that is the best the film had to offer… We then get to the prophecy at the story’s core: “At the End of the age when the two silver birds attack the Twin Brothers two children shall arrive in the Land of Maradonia and show the rule of the Evil Empire his Limitations.” [Capitalization and (lack of) punctuation as in original] Yes, the film uses the 9/11 Attacks as a plot device. Ninety seconds in and I’m already aghast.
We then cut to a poorly-rendered CGI exterior, buried in smoke, of The Glacier Palace of “The Shadow Empire” – again, the punctuation is verbatim. If you’re putting the group of your presumed bad guys in quotes, there might be a problem here. But it’s the kind of place where the eyes on the lion’s head door-knocker glow with more poorly-rendered digital fire when someone passes. And someone does. We don’t know who though, since the film never bothers to tell us. Instead, we get stock footage of dubious provenance and more captions/voice-over. I’m glad we had captions: the audio mixing buries the voice-over beneath a lot of shouting. It tells us about a war that has “raged for centuries” against the Kingdom of Evil. Who might, or might not, be The Shadow Empire. Unclear, though Maradonia is def in trouble.
In particular, the village of Rouganda, which is destroyed by the army of King Apollyon (Perez) in unconvincing fashion. A fire-pit, a couple of people pretending to be dead, and a small child saying things like, “Mummy, get up. I love you.” is about the sum of it. Three Goth chicks are watching this and cackling, as we hit the opening credits. Right from the start, this has a soundtrack guilty on all charges of trying way too hard. We meet Maya (Tesch) and Joey (Rodriguez), and I developed an instant dislike for our heroine, since the first line out of her mouth is an ultra-whiny, “I’m tired and I’m hungry. Can we sit here?” The second line is a complete non sequitur, unrelated to anything before or after: “Have you ever thought, that things happen for a reason? Y’know – like a destiny?”
My initial impression is that the pair were out for a picnic somewhere in suburban Florida, and would eventually end up magically transported to Maradonia. No. Even though it looks like they’re sitting beside a lake on a golf course, they apparently are already in the other realm. I guess what I thought was a sizzle reel, contains actual narrative of their transition. They’re now being pursued by some guy, dressed in a black cloak and armour which looks suspiciously plastic. He is stunned by the discovery they have a flashlight. Given it’s broad daylight, I’m quite surprised too. Meanwhile, back in the real world – presumably, given the three-second clip of an eagle flying across the Manhattan skyline – a guy tells his pet birds he’s going to have a shower. As you do.
This is the unfortunately named Professor Epstein, who takes over an art class, just as a student has a hissy fit about 9/11: “Where is evil coming from, and why?” Rather than teaching art, Prof. Epstein decides to address this, saying it’s all the result of a war breaking out in heaven. I was quite amused how the students simply repeat what he says, in the form of a question. “The story began in a kingdom of light.” “In a kingdom of light?” Turns out Apollyon was a fallen angel, who demanded to be worshipped. These are his worshippers. I’m unimpressed, and so is the King of Light, who cast Appolyon and his followers out, before providing the prophecy that Maya and Joey are about to fulfill, according to Prof. Epstein. So is the whole thing a story within a story? Unclear.
Back in Maradonia, Appolyon is fondling snakes, plotting evil, and concerned about the arrival of the two children, giving motivational speeches like “We must be prepared! The failure to prepare is the preparation to fail!” His two sons, Princes Abbadon and Plouton, go to deal with the situation, Dad’s encouraging words ringing in their ears: “Go! Go for the kill! Go for the kill! Go for the kill!” Might be difficult, since the next scene has Maya and Joey back in suburban Florida, preparing for their first day at a new school, having recently moved there. Wait, what? Is this a flashback? Unclear! Maya gets bullied, then kicks the bully’s ass which makes her cool and popular. Perhaps not the best message to be sending to young viewers? Joey – who seems to be sixteen, going on thirty-five – pushes his sister into a pool, where she has a vision of being a mermaid.
The two siblings go to Pebble Beach, an apparently dangerous local area. This is where the soundtrack, mentioned above, reaches new heights of orchestral swell, while Maya splashes around in the shallows, intercut with random stock footage of fish. She’s apparently hearing voices begging for help. I’d get checked out for a concussion, personally, but she appears chill with it. Joey breaks into a government facility, with Maya following reluctantly. He finds a cave and convinces her to explore it the following day. This does at least explain the flashlight, though for some reason, the local birds are driving Maya crazy. Maybe that’ll be discussed later? [Morgan Freeman voice: it wasn’t] There’s some kind of cave-in and on exit, their watches stop. This is how they finally enter Maradonia, after close to forty minutes.
They meet Exposition Dwarf, who informs Maya and Joey of where they are. Confusion is understandable, since Maradonia looks exactly like Florida. It might be helpful if the audio mix wasn’t again burying the dialogue here behind the soundtrack, which at this point seems to have strayed in from a nearby naval battle. Still, we have at least more or less reached the point where we came in. How long ago that all seems now. M&J are startled by a snake (below); less so, by its sudden transformation into someone who looks like what you get if you order Zhora from Blade Runner on Temu. [I think it’s actually Gloria’s mother, Marina] Maya and Joey have to choose between her and Fairy Libertine, who resembles a low-rent belly-dancer. Ooh: decisions, decisions…
The endless parade of bizarre characters continues with somebody cosplaying as Tim the Enchanter, who is actually Wizard Oraculus (Glazier). The wandering through Florida Maradonia continues. Seriously: there is Florida, and there is stock footage which looks nothing like Florida; and it’s obvious, since none of the characters appear in it. Though there are also scenes where the characters are supposed to be interacting with each other, yet it’s blatantly apparent they were not on the same set at the same time. The same goes for some really bad green-screen effects. These are confused about whether they should be in front of or behind the actors, so split the difference and are both.
They reach a native village, where Joey is greeted as a future leader of their army. This is described as having “over 300 young warriors,” to which my immediate reaction was, “Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it,” considering the film has topped out at maybe eight people in any scene. Such scepticism proves 100% justified, since the army as shown could be counted on one hand. There’s some plot point about the current commander, Justine, having to contact the spirit of her late father to confirm Joey and Maya’s role in the prophecy. However, the audio in this section was recorded in a small hurricane, without the benefit of wind baffles. The cast were apparently told to compensate for this, by yelling their lines as loud as possible. It’s certainly a novel, if unsuccessful, approach to audio mixing.
In a film filled with bad actors, I think the prize for the worst probably has to go to the trio of evil fairies, Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara, who show up and threaten the forces of good with being turned to stone, or set on fire, or something. Even though they deliver their lines with all the threat of an AI phone switchboard, it sends Maya and Joey into a funk of despair, from which only an incoherently inspirational speech by Maya about “he who loses his life shall win” can rescue them. Still, they’re suddenly tied up on a cart and set on fire. I rewound the film to see if I perhaps got distracted. No. They are indeed, suddenly tied up on a cart and set on fire. Help comes in the form of Dionysus, one of the few people in the whole productions who half-looks the part. The sped-up fight scene which follows (below), using the same sound effect for every blow, does not do him justice. “My whole body is still paralyzed from this death experience,” says Maya. By this point, I know how she feels.
They need to get to a “Pool of Blood”, which will confer invulnerability upon them. For some reason, this involves spending time at Carole Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue, or a close facsimile thereof. The pool itself is just a Florida lake with a red filter poorly-applied to it. They also get a cap which renders the wearer invisible. I’m sure the significance of both these will become apparent later. [Morgan Freeman voice: it didn’t] Apollyon has a meeting – “I declare the General Council of our Empire as inaugurated!” – which is most notable for the copious, inexplicable use of green-screen fire. Do you think that would enhance my next Zoom conference call? There does appear to be dissension in the ranks, with Apollyon anointing one son Crown Prince (“I give you the power and the authority… to… Start a war!”), which miffs the other, and he begins plotting against his family.
The movie ends abruptly, with a guy putting a live snake in his mouth, and a caption – more threat than promise – that the story “will be continued with Maradonia and the Escape from the Underworld.” Seven years later, with the creative forces here now either dead or so embarrassed they pretend it never happened, I suspect this may not happen. Quite why this is not as infamous as The Room, it’s hard to say. It may partly be because, unlike Tommy Wiseau, the creators here have no interest in cult status. For Gerry Tesch died in 2018, and Gloria has moved on, writing another book as “Sofia Nova,” which she says is her debut novel. There are no screenings during which the audience can throw things at the screen. Indeed, there appears to have been only a single screening of the movie, ever: for the cast and crew in Tampa.
If it hadn’t been for the Tesch’s painfully obvious efforts to promote Gloria, it’s likely this would simply have faded into the obscurity it deserves. Yet, here we are. It would be a valid contender for the worst movie I’ve seen, and that is not a phrase I throw about lightly. But it’s not quite absolutely bottom-tier. Though the performances are all over the place, one or two are competent. For example, the guy playing the art teacher, John O’Keefe, is either an art teacher or a good actor. I’ve no idea which. And even if the story is a fifth-rate Chronicles of Narnia knock-off, there is some imagination present in the ideas. So it ranks above true dreck like Dracula: A Vampyre in Beijing, which genuinely has no redeeming qualities.
However, the execution here is massively inept. It’s unsurprising, considering there’s no evidence the director had ever picked up a camera before, and his lead actress is almost as inexperienced, both in front of the camera and as a script writer. The budget quoted by Garry Tesch at the AFM was $800,000, which is even more startling if true, considering how cheap most of this looks. It’s frankly amazing anyone looked at the first footage, and thought continuing was the best bet, rather than pulling the plug on the entire production. But as a monument to vanity, nepotism, over-ambition and, by many accounts, outright grift, this can surely rarely been surpassed.
[Just in case: All image use here falls squarely under 17 U.S. Code § 107, which provides for “the fair use of a copyrighted work… for purposes such as criticism.”]