Rating: D+
Dir: Joshua Kennedy
Star: Hilda Sofia Bautista, Stefanie Jo Saenz, Mitzi Venus, Joshua Kennedy
“In the dimmest crevice of the forsaken woodlands, where the gnarled roots of ancient trees twist like the fingers of a forgotten god, there dwells a creature so grotesquely slow that its very movements seem to mock the relentless march of time itself.” If H.P. Lovecraft were to write a review of this film, inspired by his work, the above might be how it would start. I’d call it sluggishly-paced, except that would imply it has any pace at all. The running-time may only be 75 minutes, yet it often felt as if seconds became eternities, time slinking forward with the agonizing slowness of a decaying star towards an inevitable darkness. Yeah, it’s like that.
Roberta Olmstead (Bautista) is the latest arrival at the titular educational establishment, most of whose “pupils” appear to be in their mid-twenties. It’s not long before she has earned the enmity of queen bee Suzi Banion (Saenz), and for much of the first half, this is closer to bad Harry Potter fan-fiction than Lovecraftian horror. About the only spooky element is the mysterious disappearance of a teacher, who is eventually found dead in the nearby ocean. Which is weird, because she hated the water. Things do pick up somewhat thereafter, with Roberta and pal Lori Marsh (Venus) discovering a series of previous pupils have also vanished, along with the school’s curious entrance policy, admitting only orphans with no living relatives. Occult conspiracy ahoy!
I should stress “somewhat” is relative, and the film then grinds to an abrupt halt, just when you think it might be getting going. I guess it’s wise Kennedy opted to pull the plug, rather than attempt to deliver a finale for which his resources would have been clearly inadequate. Still, going from a rampaging mob, directly to “THE END”, is certainly an unusual choice. To its credit, it does take a fair bit from Lovecraft’s novella, The Shadow Over Innsmouth, such as interbreeding between humans and the Deep Ones. Unfortunately, this is far too small-scale to show us anything, a couple of rubbery masks being about the peak. Nor does it succeed in generating the required sense of creeping dread, almost essential for any decent Lovecraft adaptation.
Bautista, in apparently her screen debut, does well enough, providing you can get past the obvious “Jenna Ortega on Temu” vibes. Indeed, this might well have worked better as the first episode of a new series of Wednesday, rather than as a stand-alone feature. It does also fail completely to live up to the “Recommended for adult entertainment” tag on the poster, unless that means “barely pushing the boundaries of the PG rating, on a bad day.” Sure, there’s a shower scene… behind frosted glass. And a catfight… which might have raised eyebrows back when Lovecraft was alive. I did laugh at the use of a phone app to translate Cthulhu-esque phrases. It’s not exactly sufficient payback for my time and effort.