Rating: D
Dir: Eben McGarr
Star: Robert Felsted Jr., DAndre Johnson, Joe Knetter, Sadie Katz
We came to this in a very roundabout way. Watching an old episode of Miami Vice, we saw it was directed by Dick Miller. Chris wondered if he’d directed anything else; I checked the IMDb, and found, no, it was his sole credit. I noticed his final appearance was here, also the last appearance of another legend, the much-beloved Sid Haig. Then I realised the film was directed by McGarr, who gave FearCon the glorious Sick Girl back in 2007. Naturally, this got fast-tracked, with additional curiosity points as the first Jewish holiday-themed horror film I’d ever heard of. Not that there are many Jewish horror films to start with, despite the early jump into the genre, with 1920’s Der Golem.
Unfortunately, it’s terrible, to the point where if you told me Haig and Miller died of embarrassment, I’d believe you. Not the horror aspect actually, which is novel, well thought-out and decently executed. It begins in the seventies with the end of a reign of terror by the Hanukiller (Haig), a serial murderer gunned down by the cops, just as he was about to sacrifice his son. 36 years later, the son, Obediah Lazarus (Knetter) is continuing his father’s work. This mean the abduction and punishment of, not just those who threaten Jews, such as a Nazi skinhead, but also “bad” Jews, who do not strictly follow the tenets of the Old Testament. He seems to have a particular dislike of tattoos (Leviticus 19:28, should you care).
The problem isn’t here, or the other well-known horror names McGarr has recruited, thanks to his work on nationwide horror event Mad Monster Party: P.J. Soles, Caroline Williams and Charles Fleischer. It could be the religious aspects. McGarr is Catholic, and I read a highly scathing takedown of the Jewish elements. But to these gentile’s eyes, the issue is the young characters after whom Obediah goes. In an interview, McGarr did say, “All of the kids are pretty horrible human beings,” specifically referencing It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. BIG swing and a miss: there’s horrible humans, and there are flaccid, dull, grating imbeciles with no charisma, character or interesting aspects.
Guess which category, without exception, these fall into? Even the frequent nudity can’t save it, though it did help, simply because the characters then tended to shut the fuck up. Far too much time is spent with them: when a religious nut-job psychopath is vastly preferable company to your leads, something has gone very wrong. If you can last five minutes in their company, without wanting to check your phone or clean the cat’s litter-box, you’re more tolerant than I. It’s dull, tedious dialogue, performed by painfully untalented actors, and would have Adam Sandler wondering if Hitler was right. Over long careers, Haig and Miller both appeared in their fair share of B-movies and worse. I guess it’s fitting that their filmographies end here, not with an exclamation point so much as a turd emoji.