Rating: D-
Dir: Tyler-James
Star: Maria Taylor, Lauren Staerck, Marcus Massey, Rob Kirtley
This is from the makers of Dinosaur Hotel, and probably counts as a self-inflicted wound. I mean, I’ve seen Dinosaur Hotel. I’ve reviewed Dinosaur Hotel, which was by the same production company, Jagged Edge Productions. And still, I went ahead and watched it. I only have myself to blame, for the non-stop flow of sarcastic commentary from Chris, as this unfolded. It begins with three animal rights activists – Beth (Taylor), Sarah (Staerck) and Liana – breaking into a former jail, which they have been told is carrying out illegal experiments. As the title suggests, said scientific research is a bit mad, and involves the breeding of prehistoric reptiles for military purposes.
It’s not long before they are captured, but are befriended by one of the scientists, Dr. Jahns (Massey). He appears to have strayed in from a passing circus, since he’s dressed up like a ring-master, in top hat and tails. Dress sense aside, he’s had enough of the cruelty, and is now on the side of the activists. Captain Hill (Kirtley)? Less so. At least, until the dinosaurs escape. They’re not just normal dinosaurs either. These have been beefed up, so one can basically turn invisible, while another breathes poorly-rendered CGI fire. If the dinosaurs are a bit crap, they fit right in. Because the activists are a bit crap, standing around and bickering loudly in the middle of the corridor. The security guards are certainly a bit crap.
Very little of this makes any logical sense, from Dr. Jahns’s sartorial choices, to the two mercenaries who show up, slowly wave burning swords at the dinosaurs, and get eaten. Even less of this is interesting, though the production does seem to have acquired the use of a nice looking building as their location. But the interaction between humans and dinosaurs is feeble, and the makers know it. That’s why, particularly in the first half, it’s mostly the women peering into cells which contain the creatures, while Jahns pontificates. Then, in the second half, it’s the women running along corridors, intercut with dinosaurs running along poorly-rendered CGI versions of those corridors. If you are detecting an overall “poorly-rendered” theme here, you are entirely correct.
I think we reached peak WTF, when the fire-breathing dinosaur jumped on the back of a bigger one, acting like a rear-gunner as the two broke out of the facility. The end credits then rolled, after a mercifully terse sixty-eight minutes of largely uninterrupted awful. For all its many flaws, Dinosaur Hotel did at least make an effort to tell a coherent story (albeit badly). This feels more like 30 minutes copied from ILM’s recycle bin, and spliced into 30 minutes from an abandoned feature. I can’t wait to see what Jagged Edge Productions come up with next. Dinosaur Supermarket? Dinosaur Call Centre? Dinosaur Discotheque? The possibilities are endless. But even my tolerance for anything with the D-word in the title has probably expired with this. Fool me twice, Jagged Edge Productions…