Rating: C+
Dir: Steven Kostanski
Star: Daniel Bernhardt, Christina Orjalo, Patton Oswalt (voice), Paul Lazenby
Only took forty-two years for this video-store classic to get remade, and… It’s different. I think I liked it. I’m not certain, because I am a little vague about many details of the original, beyond the cover. I’m much more familiar with the sequel. That is one of my all-time favourite B-movies, with a perfect mix of fantasy and tongue-in-cheek comedy. I was delighted to see this importing Chuck Cirino’s iconic theme from Deathstalker II, and giving it heavy air-play. But in general, humour is downplayed. It’s still there: however, it feels more off to one side. This has an almost childlike simplicity and innocence to it. Okay, somewhat at odds with the enthusiastic dismemberment and arterial spray.
The approach isn’t too surprising, considering director Kostanski was also responsible for Psycho Goreman, which had a similar combination of wide-eyed wonder, largely practical effects, and the energetic splatter you’d expect from the title. Rather than a contemporary setting, this takes place in the fantasy kingdom of Abraxion, which is under attack from demonic creatures called Deadites um, Dreadites. They’re working towards the return of an evil elder deity, through a sorcerer called Nekromemnon (a very amusing Nicholas Rice). It’s up to Deathstalker (Bernhardt), assisted by his allies, midget wizard Doodad (voiced by Oswalt, body by Laurie Field) and thief Brisbayne (Orjalo), to prevent this. There will be magical artifacts, monsters, betrayals, redemption, and battle against the deity, with Deathstalker wielding a Very Large Sword indeed (top).
What there will not be, however, is any scenes of a sexual nature. Which is definitely a surprise, considering the entire genre was populated by scantily-clad bimbo and himbos, with gratuitous nudity (consensual or not) as much a staple as the senseless violence. But the remake is curiously chaste, to the point of being entirely celibate and sexless. There’s basically only a couple of female characters, and their attire would pass muster in most offices. Okay, maybe on casual Friday. Meanwhile, Stalker is weirdly attached to his shirt – again, not behaviour I would expect from any self-respecting sword and sorcery hero. It’s like remaking Reform School Girls and putting everyone in mumus: you’re kinda missing the point of the exercise.
That (significant shortcoming) aside, this is still pretty enjoyable. Some of the monsters are top tier work – my personal favourites were the swamp creatures with a real fondness for ultraviolence. Bernhardt makes for an engaging hero, and certainly doesn’t seem like a guy who turned sixty years old in August. He’s literally twice the age Rich Hill and John Terlesky were in the first two movies. Kostanski has said it is less a reboot than a sequel to the original quartet of films. “This is an older, wearier, more tired Deathstalker… He’s grown a little harder, things have gotten a little darker,” which is an interesting idea. Will it spawn a whole new franchise? We will see. I’m not averse to the idea. Just be funnier and sexier.