Shower of Blood

Dir: Tiffany Kilbourne
Star: Lia Montelongo, Martin Shannon, Melisa Mountifield, Dave Larsen

The set-up here isn't awful: three girls and two guys pay a visit to their long-lost uncle Marty, only to find that he isn't quite the upstanding citizen they expect to meet. [A clue: crucifixes are notable by their absence in the decor of his house] However, the first half-an-hour is among the worst-executed pieces of mid-definition video I've ever seen. Bad dialogue, woefully performed and accompanied by the most embarrassing foley work in cinematic history - check out the burps, farts and noisy chewing of gum, which add absolutely nothing, and aren't the slightest bit funny. In lieu of, oh, storyline, likeable characters or actual horror, we get so much unsexy gratuitous nudity, this feels like a demo reel produced by second-rate breast-enlargement surgeons from Illinois.

When Marty (Shannon) appears, things improve markedly: partly because there is no conceivable way they could get any worse, and partly because he actually delivers lines properly. Of course, it helps that the rest of the cast are largely reduced to running and screaming; anything which prevents them from "acting" can only be welcomed. [The guys are particularly bad: I presume the girls said, "We'll only take our tops off if our boyfriends can be in it too" - the 7-11 must have been badly understaffed that day.] At least the rest of the film is merely harmless, and one shot - involving the Mona Lisa, of all things - actually made us laugh, rather than wince or cringe like so much of the opening third. However, an Oscar-winner would be hard pushed to escape the stench previously generated and, even at its peak, Shower falls some way short of the "unjustly overlooked by the Academy" category.

[The DVD also includes a photo gallery, and a good selection of trailers, albeit for movies which mostly look better than this one. For more information, check out Brain Damage Films' website.]

September 2005

Shower of silicone
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