Witchcraft VII:
Judgement Hour

Dir: Michael Paul Girard
Star: David Byrnes, Alisa Christensen, Loren Schmalle, April Breneman

I have a sneaking suspicion that the first part of the series I saw - number eleven - might actually have been the best. Certainly, where the others more or less managed to strike a balance between horror and sex, this one is basically a soft-porn flick with vampiric trappings. Now, I like breasts as much as the next man (fill in own joke here), but this gets tedious very quickly. In between the badly-filmed sex scenes, what's left of the plot sees series regulars attorney Will Spanner (Byrnes) and Detective Lutz (Christensen - which is weird, because in part VI, Lutz was played by a man!) going up against a vampire (Schmalle) with designs on the nation's blood supply.

In other hands, this could have become an original satire on corporate greed...just not the hands of Girard, who appears to have no interest in anything except for sex scenes using props like, I kid you not, a blue police light. Credit Chris here: she bravely stayed awake through the entire tawdry mess to keep score, the final breast-count being 32 - and only two were natural, I'm requested to point out. This one cost me a lot of martyr points, possibly as many as I earned for watching The Color Purple ("more than that!", she mutters). I wouldn't mind, except using them here was a terrible waste. Though Byrnes and Christensen aren't awful as actors, their flickerings here merely make the inept darkness of the rest of the movie even less bearable.

February 2005

Hell on Earth
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