Rating: C+
Dir: James Dean
Star: Drew Marvick, Morrigan Thompson, Jonathan May, Dolly Leigh
Truly a film of two halves, Brian. The first is a chore, a slow grind of unfunny parody with almost nothing to recommend it. But the second? Energetically gory and festive, bringing joy to the world. If you’d told me they were two separate productions, spliced together in editing, I’d believe you. The overall premise sees Santa Claus (Marvick) going psycho, for reasons explained late in the movie. Along with his cannibalistic elf, he storms the house where a porn film is being filmed, destroying the cast and crew in brutal fashion. It’s down to the dwindling survivors, including Kristy Kreme (Thompson) and Black Mamba (May) to try and survive till dawn, when Santa’s magic evaporates.
To get to that point, however, you have to sit through far too much set-up. In the first forty minutes – and the film only runs seventy-two – you get one death, and that’s dodgy CGI. The rest of the time to that point, you’re trapped with characters likely to leave you looking for a candy cane on which you can impale yourself. At least once you reach the porn set, you can play the game of “Bad actor, or good actor pretending to be a bad actor?” Before that, you’ll endure one of the worst party scenes I’ve witnessed, spectacular both in its tedium and apparent irrelevance. As for the porn set section, I’m of the firm belief that pornography is like sausages: you’re better off not seeing how either get made.
This genuinely had me mentally wording a “Are you sure you want me to review this?” email to the producers at the half-way point. Then, we got a seasonal miracle. Santa + elf show up, and the film blossomed like one of those self-expanding Christmas trees. Marvick is so gloriously over the top, he drags the whole film up by its bootstraps, with admirable support from the rest of the cast. You get blood, nudity and occasionally both simultaneously (top – guess I’ll be finding a different still for the Facebook post…), mostly done in heartwarmingly practical style. More fodder shows up, including the porno’s producer, who grumbles about the director and his pretensions, “We should never have got him the Criterion Channel. Ever since then he’s been walking around like Gaspar fucking Noé.”
The scene I’ll remember most is likely Santa dispatching Mrs. Claus with a hammer, while Silent Night plays on the soundtrack. I found it simultaneously weird, horrific, poignant and genuinely effective, which surprised the hell out of me. The ending feels a little rushed, with the survivors basically punching the previously unstoppable Santa a couple of times, then driving off. Given they’d established Claus’s weakness for milk and cookies earlier, this could have been leveraged into a much more memorable climax. Still, by the end, I’d grown quite fond of the whole ludicrous experience. Considering where I was at one point, this is a candidate for Comeback Movie of 2023.
The film is available to rent now through NewVillageVideo.com, while Blu-rays can also be pre-ordered.