Rating: D+
Dir: Ben J. Williams
Star: Lauren Staerck, Tiernan Mullane, CiCi Clarke, Dali Fehres
This was the first movie I watched on a new streaming service to which I subscribed, called Screamify. Hey, it was a free month, and $2.99/month to support indie horror is hardly going to break the bank. I do want to make it clear, I do not blame Screamify for any shortcomings of this cinematic treat. I was pretty sure I knew what I was getting into, given the title. Though had I done a little more research, I would have realized this is the lowest-rated of Williams’s eight features, which peak at a heady IMDb rating of 3.9 for Spiders on a Plane. Maybe I should have started there, and worked down to this, currently languishing at 2.2.
I knew all expectations were to be fulfilled when I heard the strong British accents, and realized this was unfolding in central London. Because if there are two things for which Britain’s capitol is known, it’s tidal waves and carnivorous fish. The residents are caught aware by the one-two punch of natural disasters, and struggle to cope. Mind you, I was struggled to cope myself, being distracted by the surprisingly generic urban CGI disaster footage. Would it have hurt the makers of this, to have shown us Buckingham Palace going underwater, the Union Jack sinking defiantly beneath the waves? Or sharks swimming through Piccadilly Circus? What’s the point of a disaster movie, if no landmarks are harmed in the making? [Though according to the radio, this is a fictional city of Rakin?]
On the human side, we focus on the McNamara family, who have already been the victims of tragedy with the loss of patriarch. So it’s mom Marcy (Clarke), son Freddie (Mullane) and rebellious daughter, Fiona (Staerck, whom I recognized from Cinderella’s Revenge), who has been skipping school. She goes out for the night with her Prosecco-drinking gal pals, so I’m bit confused as to how old she is supposed to be. They end up trapped by sharks in a flooded hotel; Freddie is trapped by sharks in the flooded restaurant where he works; and Marcy is – yes, you guessed it! – trapped by sharks in their flooded house. It seems everybody in London gets a personal school of sharks, which is… a lot of sharks.
To be honest, the above has all been written while the film is on pause at the half-way point, just after a particularly badly-executed dearh by industrial oven. There are times where I feel I don’t need to watch the entire film. Though duty compels me to do so, and will update as appropriate if anything of note pops up. [Morgan Freeman voice: it did not] But it’s painfully slipshod product: for example, the water never gets anyone wet. I suspect the only aitch-two-oh used on the production came in 24 packs. Love the poster though, which captures the When Chinese Animals Attack vibes beautifully. Still, next time, they could at least stick to British fauna, and do Hurricane Hedgehogs. Suggested tagline: “They’ll have your eye out.”