Rating: D+
Dir: Sean Byrne
Star; Hassie Harrison, Jai Courtney, Josh Heuston, Ella Newton
Sharks and serial killers. Name a more, uh, iconic duo. This seems to be the approach taken here. Aussie psychopath and Mick Taylor wannabe, Bruce Tucker (Courtney), abducts women, dangles them over the water, and videotapes them getting eaten by sharks. However, he – and the sharks – might have bitten off more than they can chew in Zephyr (Harrison), a feisty American surfer grrrl. She and her remarkably useless one-night stand, Moses (Heuston), are thoroughly annoying from the get-go. To the point you can understand why a great white shark, offered an all-you-can-eat buffet of Zephyr McNuggets, decides to go, “Nah, mate – I’m good,” and swim off in the opposite direction. I find her thoroughly inedible too.
There’s precious little plot here. Zephyr keeps trying to escape and failing, mostly due to her own incompetence. I lost count of the number of eye-rolls, at things like her knocking Bruce out with a frying pan, then failing to finish the job. That kitchen implement was probably some kind of feminist statement from writer Nick Lepard. It would tie in with certain other elements, though does not excuse his inability to write dialogue which makes Zephyr sound like an actual human being, or her relationship with Moses remotely credible. It’s the script which is the weakest element in this, and it’s not close. Courtney gives the best performance, yet even he is reduced to cribbing bits from other, superior killers like Buffalo Bill.
The amount of shark mayhem was also less than adequate. From beginning to end, the number of people actually consumed by fish was a mere two (2). There is an additional, non-shark related fatality, yet even including that, we still have an unacceptably low body count for a horror film. With specific regard to sharks, nor moving is a sure-fire way to avoid being earen. They will eventually get bored and drift off to do something else instead. Again: I can relate to the animals there, although it’s an idea suspiciously close to Jurassic Park. I asked Google AI for confirmation: “Will sharks attack if you don’t move?” – after scrolling past helpful autocomplete, “Will sharks attack if you’re on your period?” – and was told:
Sharks are unlikely to attack you if you don’t move… However, if a shark is present and appears to be a threat, the best strategy is to slowly back away and try to make eye contact to show you are not prey.
Hmm. There are reasons I do not swim in the ocean, and the (remote) chance of having to put the above to the test, might be one of them. However, that I was fact-checking the film while it was taking place, gives you some indication of its failure as entertainment. Mind you, I do feel that Shark Week would be improved if it replaced Dancing With Sharks [look, I wish I was making that shit up], with dangling certain celebrities, politicians and public figures over a feeding frenzy.