Rating: C
Dir: Tucky Williams
Star: Tucky Williams, Amanda K. Morales, Roni Jonah, Thomas J. Phillips
Obviously, this is a sword-and-sorcery film. Wait, what? You should probably be forgiven for thinking it was a completely different kind of fantasy movie, given the still above. Or the poster below. Which, to be honest, was largely responsible for attracting my attention when lackadaisically scrolling through the new releases on Tubi. What I found was instead, a kinda adorable, but incredibly cheap and often wobbly, mix of D-budget fantasy and personal indulgence. I’m not saying writer/director/star Williams created this, purely in order to make out with pretty girls. But if Ed Wood had been a lesbian and opted to make DK:EF rather than Glen or Glenda…
This begins in some kind of medieval forest clearing, where a cast of thousands hundreds dozens at least six, are dancing. Meanwhile, off to one side, a blonde in a pleather jumpsuit (Morales) is practicing with her sword, and occasionally managing not to pulled over by its weight. Turns out this is a celebration, to honor The Darkener, a hero who “delivered us an Elkenwood free of the Lighteners”. This is, presumably, a good thing. The Darkener is another blonde in a blue dress, which hardly seems appropriate. But she does survive an immediate assassination attempt by a possessed local, armed with a wind tunnel – or maybe it just seems that way. The Darkener needs a hug after that.
Then there’s a severe surprise. The sword-swinging blonde? Gets out of her truck and enters her spacious suburban home. Wait, what? Was she not off to one side from the forest clearing? I’m confused. Even more so, when a Goth redhead (Jonah), also in a pleather jumpsuit, appears from behind the fridge. She’s apparently been sent by somebody called Arden to help the blonde, though there’s history here. First, their lips nearly touch, then we discover Gothy McGothface killed Blondie’s best friend, and Arden killed somebody called Mia. We know more about Arden than either of the characters on-screen. Not least his/her name. Less than ten minutes in, and this already feels like I’ve been dropped in the middle of a long-running fantasy series, with half the pages torn out.
Back in the clearing, the Darkener is advised to take a break and go to Earth – so I guess this isn’t suburban California after all. Some kind of portal opens, and she ends up appearing on a path behind Blondie, who is still carrying her sword. They make out. I’m presuming there’s history here too, or Blondie really is a people person. They return to Blondie’s house, and make out some more. Like, a lot more (top). The poster begins to make a great deal of sense, and I’m glad I don’t have to explain why I’m watching this to Chris. I am, however, beginning to wonder if I need to explain why I’m watching this to myself. It’s all very tasteful though: slo-mo, piano music and lingerie.
Meanwhile, Gothy is sitting outside, looking sullen, and I feared for the life of a poor guy (Phillips) walking past in slacks and a shirt. But, another severe surprise occurs. He recognizes Trista, aka Gothy, and she recognizes him as “Lord Zareth”, bending the knee. Which comes as a shock to Todd, since he is actually the therapist of Trista’s partner, Susan. Turns out my fears were well-justified, because we cut to Todd, tied to an altar, being sacrificed by Trista and a guy who looks to be fresh off a double-shift at Starbucks. The ceremony opens the door for the genuine Lord Zareth, and we learn that Gothy’s real name is Jenna. Hooray. Also, the Darkener is Arden (Williams). The subtitles tell us this before the film does. Still: we’re getting somewhere.
Turns out Arden doesn’t know Blondie’s last name, though considering we don’t know her first name, she remains better off. The pair return to what we are informed is “Arden Forest”, which would be the forest clearing. More making out ensues. Their appointed task, however, is to “find everything that Zareth stole from Althyria and brought to Earth.” This has apparently been a long-term project, running for a year. Today, it’s Find The Blood of the Stars Day or something. This is a potion, which gives whoever takes it the ability to steal magic powers from other people. It must be found and destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands, though Blondie is kinda keen on using it herself.
They are attacked by Gothy/Trista/Jenna, Starbucks Guy, and an apparently random ninja, with Katia, which is apparently Blondie’s name, because Arden yells it out to warn her. While she’s taunting Jenna, Zareth abducts Arden, distracting Katia and allowing Jenna to taze her. That’s apparently a thing in Althyria, though it looks more like a pocket torch. We then enter the BDSM portion of proceedings, with Jenna tying Katia up and torturing her, while Lord Zareth does the same thing to Arden. All of which takes place in what looks less like any kind of magical castle, and suspiciously like a couple of bedrooms in the same, spacious suburban home seen previously (which subsequent research seems to show, is Tucker’s).
“Fear not! All will be made clear!” says Zareth, immediately preceding stuff that, initially, does the exact opposite. For it seems Katia goes evil, and starts making out with Jenna. But then Zareth is true to his word. I must admit, as evil plans go, this is kinda cool, and I did not see it coming. Turns out. he’s a big Total Recall fan, having wiped the memory of acolyte Vesper (below), turned her into Katia, and sent her undercover to get close to Arden and acquire the Blood of the Stars for him. Well played, low-rent version of Julian Sands. Well played. Mind you, it’s all a little odd since why does revealing all this to Arden force her to comply? I’m not sure it stands up to scrutiny.
An amulet shows up with Zareth. Why or what it does, like everything else here, is not very clear. But we discover later it’s called the Whisper Stone. Somehow Arden escapes, and I mean this in a “Somehow Palpatine returned” way. Katia is meanwhile being tortured by Starbucks Guy, until he comes too close to her thighs. A fatal mistake… Then Arden shows up to cut her free, and zip Katia right back up into her pleather corset, before they have a heartfelt talk about whether Katia or Vesper is the “real” version. Arden is firmly on the Katia side, though considering their previous canoodling, she probably would have to be of that opinion.
Zareth is drinking and recites a long, rambling monologue which begins “When I was a young sorcerer…” and has something to do with him breaking his arm. I tried to pay attention to it. Twice. But was clinically unable to get to the end on either occasions. Sorry. I don’t think it’s important. Nor does the film, as it cuts to Katia and Arden dancing in the suburban home, to what sounds like medieval music playing on an iPhone. The Whisper Stone lives up to its name, and tells Arden where the Blood of the Stars is, apparently being the jewellery equivalent of Lassie (“Timmy’s fallen down the well?”).
Katia tries to kill herself, concerned her evil side will win out. Considering Vesper then stabs Arden, I concede she may have a point. Katia brings her back to life, which feels like peak abusive relationship behavior, but maybe that’s just me. More stuff happens, involving something looking like a jar of seeds, but – again, despite watching the sequence several times – I would be very hard-pushed to explain exactly what, until someone eventually mentions it was the Blood of the Stars, which Arden destroys. Only it’s not the real Blood of the Stars, which Vesper has kept. Zareth monologues about using it to suck all Arden’s power out of her, rather than actually using it to suck all Arden’s power out of her.
This is a fatal mistake for any evil overlord, because Vesper necks the potion herself and uses it to suck all Zareth’s power out of him instead. This consists entirely of a moderate breeze and people falling over, the director adhering to the belief that having no digital effects is better than having bad digital effects. Fair point. Arden darkens Vesper and somehow, we’re back in the suburban house again. There Arden pines over the body of her former lover, and delivers a lengthy, weepy monologue which begins with the immortal line, “When I was younger, a tree branch fell on my face.” I think it may be some kind of riff on “What does not kill you, makes you stronger”, but I lost interest quite quickly, to be honest.
After all the teariness, up jumps Katia, all better because the darkening killed Vesper’s soul, leaving her in sole position of the pleather halter-top, as well as Zareth’s powers. So it’s happy endings and more lesbian canoodling all round. Well, except for the now powerless Zareth, who ends up being Jenna’s bitch, as the credits finally roll, dear lord. If the above bears only a passing similarity to anything resembling logical sense, I have done it justice. Because it feels like the people who wrote this, completely forgot to run a sanity check to find out if anyone else would understand it. Part of the problem is, I think it’s a follow-up to Dagger Kiss, a web series Williams made in 2016. Though looking at the synopsis of its episodes… a lot of it seems quite familiar. So maybe it’s a reworking? I just don’t know.
I’ve listened to a few interviews with Tucky, and they’re breezily charming. Her enthusiasm is bubbly and infectious, and she really has no pretensions about her craft. She creates these films because she wants to see them, and nobody else is making fantasy films or series for lesbians. Well, not since Xena ended, I guess. On that basis, more power to her. They may not be objectively great, and I’m certainly not the intended target audience. But (even without the hot lesbians, let’s be honest) I’d far rather watch something like this, through which the creator’s personality shines in almost every frame, than a soulless and commercial Netflix Original made by the algorithm