Rating: C
Dir: Gerald Thomas
Star: Sid James, Bernard Bresslaw, Barbara Windsor, June Whitfield
It’s interesting that I watched this the same afternoon as The Punishment, a French movie also made in 1973. While both are (loosely) about sex, and in particular the objectification of women’s bodies, the tone and content could hardly be more disparate. This is basically a feature-length adaptation of a Donald McGill seaside postcard, all sauce in lieu of sizzle. You can almost hear Charles Hawtrey’s “Ooh, I say!” or picture Kenneth William’s appalled sneer in response to much of the goings-on here. Though neither man are present, with the role intended first for Hawtrey, then Williams, ending up going to… Jimmy Logan. If that isn’t a portent of the looming End Times for the franchise, I don’t know what is.
It takes place in the seaside town of Fircombe, which is either pronounced Firk’em or Fir-coom, depending on who you’re speaking to. In order to bring in holiday business, the town council agrees to the suggestion of local businessman Sidney Fiddler (James) to hold a beauty pageant. This does not go over well with councilwoman Augusta Prodworthy (Whitfield), who vows to do everything in her power to disrupt the event, along with her liberated female friends [This element was inspired by the real-life disruption of the 1970 Miss World event]. Fiddler brings in publicist pal Peter Potter (Bresslaw) to promote the event by any means necessary, including dressing up as a contestant to create artificial controversy. But Peter is not happy when his girlfriend, Paula (Valerie Leon). decides to sign up.
That element is one of a few aspects here which make it a morally provocative entry from a modern perspective. It’s acknowledging the double-standard that certain activities are okay for some women, just not “your” woman. “You don’t own me!” snaps Paula, to which Peter replies, “I damn well do!” There’s also the way it’s the conservative member of the council opposing the pageant, on grounds of general prudery. The tables have flipped since, with the left being those leading the charge against such events. However, it’s likely Peter’s pageant entry where times have changed most. Here, the local police are called to solemnly proclaim it an offense, “If a man masquerades as a woman in order to win a prize.” Now? Not so much.
There’s no shortage of bathing beauties in bikinis, with character names like Hope Springs (Windsor), Dawn Brakes (Margaret Nolan) and Ida Downs. The bad news is, neither this nor all of the intellectual questions don’t do enough to distract you from the general lack of memorable humour, outside of a surprisingly physical catfight between Hope and Dawn. The makers brought in Robin Askwith as the son of Mrs. Prodworthy, shortly before he’d find stardom elsewhere in the not dissimilar, though raunchier Confessions of a… franchise, but he makes no real impression here. Neither does much of this, except for Fiddler’s splendid response to his female nemesis, “If you think nine inches is an average one, you’ve been spoiled.” They are, of course, discussing summer rainfall figures.