Scare Their Pants Off + Satan's Bed

Dir: John Maddox/"Julian Marsh" (a.k.a. Michael Findlay)
Star: Sean Laney, Jon Woods/Val Avery, Yoko Ono

Another of Something Weird Video's epic double bills, this pair of roughies doesn't exactly get off to a good start. It's not that Scare is the worst movie ever made, but it's certainly a contender if you seek one of the dullest, even at just 61 minutes long. Two guys kidnap a trio of women and torment them, respectively, with a man in a mask, a fake Indian ritual, and some Nazi nastiness. For an hour. No, really. If you can get past the first twenty minutes and remain conscious, you'll be doing better than we managed. It's hard to work out who the film was aimed at; anyone who actually gets off on this kind of thing should likely seek therapy - and probably register with the local police now, to save time later.

The second feature, Satan's Bed stars...yes, that Yoko Ono, the one who split up the Beatles. Here, however, she's the main victim, playing a Japanese bride kidnapped and abused (I believe it's one of Paul McCartney's favourite films...) on her arrival in New York. This was made by the Findlays, who later gave us Snuff; as there, they combined an existing film (Judas City) with new footage, and the result is about what you'd expect, though Ono isn't actually that bad as the stranger trapped in a strange land. Easily the funnest thing on the DVD is a bonus feature, Jane on a Train, a Super-8 loop best described as a soft-porn version of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer video. Otherwise, this one can largely be consigned to the dumpster.

January 2005

Bore Their Pants Off
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