Rating: D
Dir: Donald Farmer
Star: Jessa Flux, Morrigan Thompson-Milam, Angel Nichole Bradford, Ford Windstar
I stumbled across this the morning after the night where I watched Crackcoon, and recognized Flux’s name. Turns out this shares several members of the female cast, though was made by a different director, notorious basement-dweller and barrel-scraper Farmer. I knew, going in, not to expect much. Certainly: I was prepared for the poster (below) to be the best thing about the movie. In these areas, I was not disappointed. It’s bad. The idea has potential. But it would require a script capable of building on the concept, a director possessing technical competence, and a cast where the number of actors capable of delivering lines in a professional manner exceeded one (1). As executed, we’re 0-for-3.
The Debbie of the title (Bradford) is the host of a late-night paranormal show. One of her viewers is Lauren (Thompson-Milam), who has the unwise idea of carrying out a seance using a ouija board. This summons the spirit of medieval sorceress, Carmilla Karnstein (Flux), and before you can say, “But, wait – wasn’t Carmilla Karnstein a vampire?”, she is chewing up and spitting out the people involved in the seance. After losing a couple of friends, Lauren and pal Claude (Windstar) decide to reach out to Debbie. the most well-informed person they know with regard to the occult, and ask her help get rid of Carmilla. Which, it turns out, involves acquiring the ouija board used in the seance, and burning it.
If you enjoyed Flux’s appearance in Crackcoon, then you’ll love this. I’m carefully not using the word “performance”, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. For it appears bras, and indeed, meaningful tops in general, were a modern invention, because Carmilla spends a remarkable amount of time wandering round with her baps out. That aside, she is the only person who is at all convincing, going over the top to deliver all the honey-baked ham the concept deserves, and probably requires. Nobody else seems to be trying, though speaking of ham, it appears Farmer was restricted by the admirably diverse way he cast a lot of his film from the overweight population. Seriously, catering on this production must have been by far the biggest expense.
This runs barely seventy minutes, yet feels up there with some of Andy Warhol’s more experimental work in duration. There isn’t enough plot, and consequently, it’s forced to fill in with segment of Debbie’s TV show, telling spooky stories of absolutely no relevance to the story. Garnish with an entirely unwanted political reference, and here we are. I’ve read Farmer was initially intending to make something along the lines of Witchfinder General, but the death of the lead actor in 2021, after shooting was under way, forced a rethink. However, why let footage go to waste? He spliced on the ouija plot, bringing Carmilla into the present day, and you can hardly see the join. Such invention has to be lauded. Though next time: maybe don’t bother, Mr. Farmer.